A pianist was hired to
play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly
confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno
theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple whom also seemed
to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the
man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and
as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in
A young couple on the
brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband
suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies
"Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
Steve is shopping for
a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline
over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives
his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a
word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person
to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up
to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend,
throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom,
throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is
a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and
it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his
girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
A husband, one bright
sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces,
"But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really
don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW
JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come
back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes
back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally
makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing
the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."